Every week you think you have an idea of what is going to happen, and then boom, the exact opposite happens! It started off with a great TNF game won by the road team, and then 8 pretty good early afternoon games, 7 of which were won by the road team. Then 4 really good late afternoon games kick off and 3 of those were won by the goddamn road team. Picking up the theme here? Overall 11 of 15 games this weekend were won by the road team which is nuts because the road team in a lot of these games were huge fucking underdogs! The Bucs went into LA as 9 point dogs and dropped 55 FUCKING POINTS! 55 points from a Jameis Winston led offense! A goddamn roller coaster of a week shakes up this week’s rankings big time! (Except for the armpit of the NFL which is the bottom 6 teams)
1-New England Patriots-Did the offense look great this week? No, they actually looked like total dogshit, but this is not the 2007 team. They do not need the offense to score 25+ points every week. The defense is one of the best in football (even though they finally gave up their first touchdown) and that means they can win games like this and stay on top of the pack. Edelman was not 100% and I don’t think Josh Gordon was 100% either which obviously hinders their offensive capabilities. The Pats offense will be fine just as they are every single fucking season! Just a couple stats though to demonstrate how great this defense actually is. Jamie Collins is an OLB who is tied for 9th in the league in sacks. That same fucking man is also alone in 2nd in INTs! The person ahead of Collins for the league lead in INTs is his teammate, Devin McCourty. This defense is special and it will take the Pats a long way this year.
2-Kansas City Chiefs-The Chiefs absolutely stole one this weekend from the Lions. Patrick Mahomes had his first game in which he started without a TD pass but they were still able to pull it out. I honestly think the Chiefs needed a game like this. They now know that they can win without Mahomes shitting all over the opponents. He was mediocre, the WRs were mediocre, the RBs were mediocre, but they still won the game and that’s all that matters. They are one of 3 undefeated teams left and hope to keep it that way for as long as possible!
3-Chicago Bears-This Bears defense fucks! Khalil Mack is a goddamn man amongst boys and he is the leader of a top 3 defense in the NFL. The Bears are second in points against per game only surrendering only 11 PPG. What’s funny is maybe the worst team in the league scored the most points against the Bears when the Redskins scored 15. If the Bears want to go anywhere though the defense will have to carry them though. The offense was already shitty enough, but I feel like struggle city is an understatement with Chase Daniel taking the reins. They need Mitch back and then they need him to figure his shit out if they want to make a run in the NFC this year.
4-Los Angeles Rams-Yes the Rams got completely shit on by Jameis and the Bucs. I know that. Getting 55 dropped on your dome by Jameis is never a good feeling, but everyone loves to overreact every single fucking week though and this is just not the time to overreact with the Rams. They still have Sean McVay, they still have a solid group of defensive players with a good, maybe even great DC in Wade Phillips, and they will be fine. This is a game they will use to try and run through the NFC again this year. Also, for everyone complaining about Goff, give it a fucking rest! He had a bad game where the defense was prepared for him. Goff will be fine too and everyone will forget this when throw 12-15 TDs over his next 4 games.
5-Green Bay Packers-I am still convinced the Packers would have won that TNF game if Davante Adams doesn’t miss that goal line series. He is one of the best red zone WRs in all of football and not having a guy like him would hurt any team in that situation. The Packers offense will only get better as the season goes on and the defense will be fine. Again, overreactions are in full effect after this week and it is just fucking ridiculous! Aaron Rodgers is still a bad fucking man and he will be able to show everyone else that with 2 tough match-ups coming up.
6-New Orleans Saints-Talk all you want about Teddy, but he did not win this game for the Saints. He actually completely shit the bed in this one. That defense is what won the game and they stepped up big time! Marshon Lattimore shut down Amari Cooper and the Saints forced 2 fumbles and a pick against a good Dallas offense. They held “The Almighty” Ezekiel Elliot to less than 2 YPC for fucksake! Sean Payton is showing how great of a coach he is because the Saints without Brees will have to win a couple games like this and he has them ready!
7-Dallas Cowboys-The Cowboys went into a primetime game against a really shitty defense allowing over 27 PPG and 430 YPG and were only able to muster 10 points and 257 yards. Kellen Moore has been getting plenty of praise after his offense has been putting up huge numbers against dogshit teams. Well him and the rest of the offensive coaching staff including that chode Jason Garrett were not ready for this. They absolutely need to figure it the fuck out or the Eagles will be coming for that ass. I actually like Dak though. He is one of the most accurate passers in the NFL and he is one of the best on the league on play-action passes. The defense stepped up and looked great not allowing a TD, but the offense will need to get it together quick.
8-San Franciso 49ers-Coming off of a bye the Niners drop a couple spots due to some big wins from other teams. The defense will face their first real tests over the next 2 weeks with the Browns coming to town followed by a trip to LA. The defense looks legit as fuck though but we will see for sure over the next 2 games. The offense looks ok, but it has looked like ass at certain points through their first 3. Getting Tevin Coleman back will help, but Jimmy G. needs some help other than Georgey boy on the outside. Pettis has been a huge disappointment so far and the offense needs downfield threats.
9-Detroit Lions-The Lions defense is in the top 5 in TOs forced and they have are full of playmakers. Even without Darius Slay they looked as good as you can look against the Chiefs this past week. They let that one slip out of their grips but this team can play. Stafford looks as good as he has looked in years and he has a real RB to take some of the pressure off him. Kerryon is a fucking beast and they are finally starting to get him the ball. Kerryon’s touches by week: 18, 14, 21, 28. Get him the fucking ball, us play-action, win games! There you got Matt Patricia! You’re welcome!
10-Seattle Seahawks-Seattle went into Arizona and won a game they should have won. They did impress me in the process though. After a real shitty loss at home to the Saints I though the Seahawks were done, and I actually picked the Cardinals to pull the upset. Well Pete Carroll and Russell Wilson made me look real fuckin stupid. The offense looked good and the defense looked great. I though the speed on the Cardinals was going to be an issue, but the Seahawks looked like a fast defense again. At this rate it looks like the Seahawks will be in the playoff hunt, again.
11-Philadelphia Eagles-The Eagles offense looked pretty good on TNF, but I feel like they still need to find a way to incorporate Miles Sanders more. I understand Jordan Howard is a good RB, but Sanders is better and they need to find a way to incorporate him into the gameplan more. The secondary has plenty of issues though that need to be figured out quickly. They just signed Orlando Scandrick but I’m not sure he is the answer. They are dead last in Passing YPG allowed and will not win games if that trend continues.
12-Cleveland Browns-Don’t look now but the Browns are in first place for the first time in 5 years! The defense has looked real good without their stars in the secondary and the offense finally figured it out this week. They have a fucking STAR RB in Nick Chubb and it is a crime to use him the way they did in the first 3 weeks. In order to open up the passing game you have to run the ball first and you see how it worked for them this weekend. Cleveland totaled 530 yards behind 165 from Chubb and 340 from Baker. Then letting Baker rip it early rather than waiting for WRs to get downfield is magic for this team. If run the right way, this offense can be as close to unstoppable as any in the league. They will probably keep climbing this list as the season goes on.
13-Carolina Panthers-This defense is real solid. The secondary and the pass rush are fucking incredible, while the front 7 kind of struggles to stop the run. It is a passing league though and you can win games while not being able to stop the run. The real key though is Christian McCaffrey. In their 2 wins plus the Rams game they had a chance to win, CMC has averaged 31 touches and 192 total YPG. In the one bad loss he only had 18 touches in a 1 possession game. That is glaring right there! Get this man the fucking ball! RB lifespans are only 9-12 years for the most part anyway and this guy is a fucking workhorse. If CMC stays healthy the Panthers may have something to say about the NFC South.
14-Minnesota Vikings-I am well aware that Kirk Cousins blows dudes and he can’t throw the ball down the field. Hear me out though. They have one of the best rushing attacks in football and one of the best defenses in football. Kirk does not have to make all the throws. Let’s not judge the entire Vikings season based on a road game against a top 3 defense in the league. That is the definition of OVERREACTION! The Vikings will compete in what is shaping out to be the best division in football.
15–Tennessee Titans-I have no fucking clue what to make of the AFC South. The Titans are the only team with a positive scoring differential but they all kind of suck. The Titans seem to have all the pieces except a QB. Mariota fucking blows most of the time, but sometimes he will surprise you. That was this week. My jaw dropped every time he made an accurate throw more than 10 yards down the field, which he did quite a few times this week. It won’t last though and they need Henry and the OL to be better to make a playoff push.
16-Los Angeles Chargers-I know they did not look great against the Dolphins, but the Chargers are notoriously bad at playing in early games on the East Coast. They are still missing huge pieces like Okung and Derwin James and they will have to just stay above water as much as they can until they get those 2 back. Once they get them back you will see this team turn a corner and look like a legit contender again. Rivers is still fuckin slingin it all over the field as usual and should be able to keep them alive in the meantime. The DL, specifically Ingram and Bosa, need to get their shit together though or it is going to be a long season.
17–Buffalo Bills-This defense is nuts! They were all over the fucking field Sunday and made the Pats look awful. The only problem is the Bills offense is fucking awful! They have no real threats on the outside (John Brown blows, let’s be real), and they can’t put up points. They scored 17 against the Jets, 28 against the Giants, 21 against the Bengals (who just gave up 27 to the Mason Rudolph led Steelers) and 10 against the Pats. Everyone was on the Josh Allen bandwagon before he got hurt but I have not seen it yet. They needed a GW drive to beat the Bengals at home and they needed a miracle to beat the Jets, which they got. He is not good yet! STOP FUCKING OVERREACTING! This team has the makings of a 7 win team all over it!
18-Baltimore Ravens-Lamar Jackson is a fucking fraud. Leave it to NFL fans (including myself) and media to overreact to his first 2 games (against the Dolphins and the Cardinals). It’s not only him though. The defense is fucking god awful and they cannot stop anyone! In their last 2 games they have given up a total of 1,033 yards! 1 of those was against the Chiefs but they followed that up by giving up 530 yards to the Browns. This is a .500 team at best because their defense blows and they don’t have a QB who can outscore anyone in this league. Some people out there are a lot higher on them than I am, but I just don’t see it.
19-Jacksonville Jaguars-Gardner Minshew is fucking magical! He is a fucking gift from the football Gods, and with the Texans looking like total ass the AFC South is up for the taking. Gardner may make me eat my words from last week and he may actually be the guy to take them to the promised-land. Fournette FINALLY fucking ate this weekend and Minshew Magic came at just the right time to get the Jags a big road win. I do see a scenario where the Jags still win 10 games and make the playoffs which would make Gardner Minshew one of the best stories in NFL history!
20-Oakland Raiders-What a way to start off a long road trip! They emasculated the fucking Colts in their own stadium a week after we all pretty much dubbed the Colts AFC South Champs. Is it just me or does the Raiders offense actually look fluid? Jacobs is the best RB they have had in a long time and they have a bunch of weapons who know their roles. Tyrell is not going to shit in Derek Carr’s cereal if he has only 5 targets one game. Between him and Darren Waller though they have some hope this year with the AFC wild card spots wide the fuck open. The schedule is brutal though and we will see how they hold it together.
21-Tampa Bay Buccaneers-Dropping 55 on the road against the Rams is no small feat. Chris Godwin pretty much did whatever the fuck he wanted all day on Sunday torching the Rams for 12 catches, 172 yards and 2 TDs. The real surprise though? The Bucs rushing defense! They currently sit at the top of the NFL in rush yards allowed per game giving up only 59 YPG on the ground! The crazy part about this is the RBs they have face so far have all been real good! So against the RBBC in San Fran, CMC, Barkley/Gallman, and Gurley they have given up a total of 237 rush yards. If the defense keeps that shit up we may see the Bucs competing for a playoff spot.
22-Houston Texans-The Texans are fucked if they cannot figure out how to protect Watson. He is getting royally fucked up week after week. It may be affecting his memory because he has clearly forgotten about the top 3 WR on his team too that is only averaging 7 targets per game this year. Throwing to Kenny Stills and Will Fuller is just not going to get it done. The next 4 weeks are make or break for them as they get the Falcons, Chiefs, Colts, and Raiders and really should win 3 of 4. If they lose 3 of those 4 just count them out, they are fucking done.
23-Indianapolis Colts-Indy looked like straight shit this week! They couldn’t stop anything by the Raiders, they could not run the ball, they couldn’t throw the ball and it was just a complete fucking disaster. I know they missed TY, but I really do not think he would have made a difference. It does not get any easier this coming week as they head to KC for what will probably be a blowout loss against the Chiefs. Then they have a big divisional match-up against Houston after their bye. We will know who the Colts really are by the end of October.
24-New York Giants-The overreaction of the century might be how everyone thinks Daniel Jones is the next Peyton Manning! Now I’m not saying he won’t be good, but he has only played two full games, one of which was against one of the worst teams in the league! Give it a fucking rest! One of the best defenses in the league travels to NY this week. I will be a believer in Danny Dimes if he can replicate his success against the Vikings. Now if I am right, which I know I fucking am, he will look real fucking bad this week and the whole world will say how he sucks next week. Sports media is as big of a joke as there is in this world. Outside of Jones, the defense still fucking blows and the Giants for the most part are still not a good football team.
25-Atlanta Falcons-How in the fuck can this team be so fucking bad?! I just do not fucking get it! They have so much talent on both sides of the ball but they continue to fucking embarrass themselves and look like goddamn chodes! Death, taxes and “Matty Ice” turning the ball over in the red zone are 3 guarantees in life! Dan Quinn needs to go NOW because this team is not going anywhere under him! Clean out the entire staff and start fresh! You do that now or what will happen is they will win 4 or 5 games in a row after they are already out of it to end the season giving everyone hope for next year. Sound familiar?
26-New York Jets-Yes they are 0-3 and yes they lost to the Bills at home in Week 1 after leading 16-0, but the Jets are not as bad as their record suggests. They are not great on offense or defense, but their defense spends a lot of time on the field. They are 17th in the league in yards allowed per play which is not near as bad as some of these other 1 win or 0 win teams. They will get Darnold back within the next 3 weeks and the schedule lightens up where they should win some games. 8 wins is not out of the question if Darnold comes back healthy.
27-Pittsburgh Steelers-Mason Rudolph is just not the fucking guy. They have had plenty of chances to go find a better backup so their shittiness this year falls directly on Tomlin and the front office. They have had 1 QB for the last 15 years and have not ever had a capable backup and that is inexcusable. They are not a good football team though. They are struggling in every aspect of the game and they may only win 4 or 5 games this year if that. They need to get a QB this year or it is going to be a long couple of years for the Steelers.
28-Denver Broncos-The Broncos, for the most part have been competitive in their losses. They lost by a TD to the Raiders, 2 points on a GW FG to the Bears, 11 to the Packers, and 2 to the Jags in a game they most definitely should have won. It all comes down to the offense being exactly what he expected and the defense not being as good as advertised. They lost a huge piece in Bradley Chubb this week which will make this season even more difficult for them. I think it’s time the NFL stops letting Elway run a fucking train on this franchise and get fucking rid of him.
29-Arizona Cardinals-The Cardinals probably had their most disappointing game of the season this past week. It was the first game they were not competitive in at all. They have shown flashes of what they will be capable of in the next few years and it has been fun as shit to watch sometimes. They need to bolster the OL and add some weapons for Kyler but in a few years these Cardinals, led by Kliff and Kyler, may be a team to watch out for.
30-Cincinnati Bengals-Everyone was so quick to completely shit on the Bengals after last night forgetting that they could very easily have 2 wins right now. They lost a 1 point game at Seattle and then had one stolen from them in Buffalo. Yes they looked awful last night but let’s not act like they have been near as fucking bad as the bottom 2 teams on this list. I agree, Andy Dalton needs to fucking go, but it won’t matter who the QB is because the OL fucking blows! There are plenty of issues with this team but Dalton is not the biggest one by a longshot.
31-Washington Redskins-We got what the media had been asking for, which was a taste of Dwayne Haskins. DO ALL OF YOU FUCKING IDIOTS NOW SEE WHY IT IS SOMETIMES SMART TO SIT A ROOKIE QB?!?!? The Redskins are fucking awful plus they are decimated with injuries on the offense starting with Haskins’s most important asset, the OL! Jay Gruden is a fucking idiot, but all of the people bashing him for putting Haskins in are the same people who were bashing Gruden for not putting him in. You guys are all fucking idiots! Very rarely does a QB start right away and remain successful. RG3 did it, where is he at now? Mariota and Winston? They are on the verge of not being back with their teams next year. Andrew Luck? Retired. Sometimes sitting a rookie QB and letting him learn the NFL game can be a good thing!
32-Miami Dolphins-Did you expect someone else down here? I hope not because the Dolphins are historically fucking bad. There is a real chance they set the record for worst point differential of all time and there is also a real chance they trade Josh Rosen after just acquiring him this offseason. This team is a fucking laughingstock and they will be a complete joke for a couple of years before they turn it around.
Wow, there really are some shitty fucking teams this year. There are 6 winless teams and two 1-win teams. It is going to be an epic race in the year of #TankforTua.